it’s a long road baby running away…
Man, I’m pissed. And I’m learning that anger means something else for me. So, I’m looking deeper. Turns out that I’m scared. And hurt and feel betrayed and you know what? Also, angry. Just angry. And that’s okay. So, I’m angry. I read this today: “I see him angry. Must I be? He is hostile. Must I be? Am I being faithless to my marriage vows when I achieve a bit of self-confidence while he continues to suffer the pains of his self-doubt?” I wrote it on my mirror, “must i be?” Nope.
So, Two is at school today. He has a little Mothers’ Morning Out program that runs two mornings a week during the school year, and he wanted to keep going during the summer, so on Tuesdays, when we’re not out of town or sick or nekkid, he goes to school. He loves it so, and it’s just almost impossible to say goodbye to his sweet cheeks when I walk him in. He throws his arms around my neck and closes his eyes and turns his face to me and plumps his lips up for a kiss, and I want to be able to flash-freeze this moment, because it’s so precious to me that it almost hurts. Perhaps it’s all the more precious because it’s fleeting, that if it were always going to be available, I would take it for granted. His is a quietly and fiercely loving heart. It takes time and patience to win him, but once he lets you in, he holds nothing back. It took me by surprise after One, who is openly loving to most people. One is shy in the social sense, but he makes friends easily and loves easily and gives affection quickly and to many, his heart is full and overflowing and while he may be tentative, he loves quickly. Three just seems to thrive on being the mascot, so far.
With Two at school, the dynamics are so different. Plus, there’s time to clean. So, I have no excuses left. Have my music on, did my writing, ate my lunch, Three is sleeping, One is happily playing, so here I go.
Going.
Really.
Any minute.
Bah, okay! GET OFF MY BACK!
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